"Yous guys," and other annoying office antics

The lady who sits across from me at work is an idiot. She is the living embodiment of all my pet peeves. I've never met anyone with quite so many different ways to drive me up a wall in 10 minutes. Here's a character profile.
Name: Connie (short for Consuelo)
Age: Anywhere between 35-45 depending on who asks her and why
Location: Across the desk from yours truly
Likes: Saying "yous guys," using the worst possible grammar, talking on the phone with her stalker-esque husband who calls multiple times during the day, crusty, black eyeliner, knee highs with slitted skirts and open-toed sandals, disorganization, complaining about her daily ailment (whatever it may be), taking time off to deal with her dilinquent children, speaking Spanish to the poor guy who sits next to her in front of those who can't understand her, making weird comments under her breath, oblivion.
Dislikes: non-Christians, being on time, wearing flattering make up, staying at her desk, using proper grammar, using her "inside voice" inside, staying off the phone, productivity
It truly takes a large amount of my will power to not hop my crippled ass over my desk and wrap my claws around her daily. Hourly.
So tell me, masses, what say you about dealing with those undesirables in the work place? What is the best way to extract them from under one's skin and forgive and forget? I am now viewing any and all suggestions. The more creative the better, but I am interested in serious suggestions. Sort of.